i woke up today after a bad dream… an old associate had somehow died and i was with his mother helping her and consoling her. don’t know what that means exactly because i don’t speak to him anymore [he told me to kick rocks 'cuz i won't discuss dating him- remember?]… pooda said i should call and ‘check on him’… but just because of a dream???? and say what? ‘hey associate, i dreamt about you dying last night, you ok???’ nah- i don’t think so. i’ll just assume he’s ok and keep it moving.
also- why did i have a talk with an old family friend on xmas day. or rather, she had a talk with ME. in a nutshell, she told me ’sweets, it’s time for you to get married. why don’t me and you meet up every month so that we can arrange for you to mingle with those in your peer group and get started on a future marriage. you know that as a woman, you are very limited in your choices once you get past a certain age.’ 
alrighty then. and what age is that exactly??? in all honesty, i love this person to death… but this is where my and her love affair gets cut a bit short. she isn’t alone either, TRUST. this is obviously the joint effort of the whole familial unit.
or more accurately, a conspiracy.
i’m over it people. i really am. i’m over the drama behind my CHOICE and decision of living the life that God gave me to live. in my daily struggle to find serenity and become fully enlightened, i hardly need the nagging ‘reminder’ of my ’shortcomings’ in the traditional department. i’m so over it.
i’m over beating myself up over the fear of disappointing ‘them’. who is ‘them’ anyway? family? friends? the whole damn country in which i was born???
either way, i don’t owe ‘them’ anything. no one is in ownership of me but me [and God]. i actually feel kind of sorry for them. i am, slowly but surely, headed to that place of complete detachment from the things of this world. the constraints, the complaints, the unforgiving restraint of the handcuffs that i’ve put on myself so that i am careful not to ruffle any feathers.
i am beginning to forgive all those that hurt me in my past, and more importantly, i am forgiving myself. one day at a time.
yea, pretty soon, i will be visibly unconcerned of all the opinions swirling around about me and what i do and don’t do. i’m already free of all that, and frankly, i’m getting tired of pretending to be held back by it.
wings are breaking free of the cocoon …. soon enough it will be impossible to prevent them from reaching their full span and fLy.
happy new year.
