Written by eLbie in zEn at 1:31 pm on May, 27 2010
gazing out
looking in.
don’t wanna come back.
. . .
what was formerly known as home is now nothing more
than a stranger waiting in the night..
behind the bushes.
it isn’t home.
feel like a butterfly… trapped
and being forcefully stuffed back into a cocoon.
a former shell.
[i can't]
nothing fits anymore..
it hurts
wing-breaking emotions.
tearing guts into a million pieces..
found a strange solace in the new sensors discovered.
strangely they turned familiarity -into ugly.
air is escaping
fast.
being sucked out from inside.
thru the dark gaps that were once only full of light.
gasping to get it back…
[inhaLe]
and i will.
[exhaLe]
and i AM.
the missing air.
found.
the space in between the darkness.
in between the tears.
there is bLiss.
it was always there.
the light was me all along.
a goddEss .. evoLving.
Written by eLbie in zEn at 11:26 pm on May, 17 2010
fear causes a lot of shenanigans in life. makes me say and do very ugly things to those that i love the most. i’m so sick of it, and i’m sick n tired of being sick n tired. the most notorious one of all in my life is the fear of ‘abandonment’ …. it’s really a pain in my ass. seriously.
first of all- who exactly is going to abandon me? can i ask that question? who exactly, is in possession of me in the first place?? do i not go to sleep and wake up with all of my own bodily organs and parts? who owns me other than the lungs that are faithfully taking oxygen into my bloodstream and my heart that tirelessly pumps the oxygenated blood throughout my whole organism. with NO help on my part, no matter how ungrateful, and clueless i am… the intelligence that lives in me [in all of us] is beyond anything that can be described.
am i worried that one day the whole system inside me will decide that it doesn’t feel like working anymore? hell no. i have never gotten evidence to such nonsense- so that’s not it. the only evidence that i’m going by is memories that don’t exist anymore, and projected futures that may never even exist in the 1st place.
it’s all a dumb lie. the ego telling me that i need and want and have to have outside sources of happiness and bliss, and more importantly, LovE.
lying and telling me that i’m not enough all by myself. hiding the fact that the only thing that CAN abandon me for real, physically CANT abandon me at all. seeking immediate and magical results from mere mortals that are incapable of magic.
the magic is already happening .. right here.
i’m learning to be in LovE with me… exude LovE — be grateful for the ability and the space that allows LovE to exist… the only way to kill fear.
Written by eLbie in zEn at 11:50 pm on May, 12 2010
i want to be free from it
all of it ..
i don’t want to want you anymore
i don’t want to feel the pain
of your human errors.
i desire nothing but i want it all
i don’t want to hurt
but i desire the love
that can’t exist without the opposite.
hate.
you.
i hate this
always having to smile
always doing the right thing
keeping what i truly feel inside
making everybody else comfortable
meanwhile, my skin is crawling.
don’t feel like smiling at your request
don’t feel like being positive and upbeat to make YOU feel better
don’t feel like being your entertainment for the night
doesn’t mean i’m not a happy person
doesn’t mean my life isn’t full of light
means i’m not yours to possess
means you’re not mine to impress
means i’m rEaL
it’s coming to me. actually, serenity is taking over. with the very few exceptions, that know who they are, i am beginning to forget my life as it were before i left the states. i knew this would happen too. just didn’t know how it would feel.
it’s way bigger than anything of this earth. all the bullshit, all the dumbness, the drama, the nonsense, the uneccesary aura pollution that i had so carelessly allowed into my space- it’s all so very irrelevant now. i really couldn’t care less at this point.
even down to the way the US is obsessed with celebs and what they are doing. i get it now. it’s because those are the only [visible]people that are actually LIVING life. travelling all over the world, taking in new and life-changing experiences all the while, we sit there and gawk at them like they are superhuman. they are not.
we all have the capabilities to live a ‘fabulous’ life. we just have been defining it by the wrong currency.
it’s not about millions of $$ or bentleys or diamonds. it’s about EXPERIENCE. selective experiences that are out of our [perceived]comfort zone. we have been so brain-washed by a dumbed-down society to constantly reach for unattainable goals by basing our lives on ’super stars’.
you will never be beyonce and will never marry a $400+ million dude that is a rapper. you will never be rihanna and get christian louboutin to make you one-of-a-kind maryjanes. BUT - u ARE fabulous just the same.
i am so happy to have never been that brain-washed in the first place, but i do know that i have not been making it my business to get OUT of the confines of the USA. i’m not meant to be stuck there, and it all makes sense now.
the sadness that i feel out of nowhere. the spiritual suffocation that i’ve been sufferring from without knowing where my oxygen was being hidden. the extreme sense of unfulfilment and loss that comes into me and causes me to crawl into my shell and never want to come out.
i know what that is now.
geography.
so happy to have found my oxygen.
it was hiding on the other side of the planet.
*innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnhaLe*
welcome to my blog... i write everyday. i'm very random. intensely emotional. constantly seek zen in everything
|a walking contradiction|
i'm a freelance writer so don't get confused [or get it twisted] by the very improper way that i write on this blog. these thoughts are personal not business. that's different. :) iloveyou4reading.
i want to be free from it
