ok so this post is a bit personal, but this is my blog so i can blog what i want to. right? riiiiiiight.

i’m grown and this is for grown folk so if you have any issues, please log OFF my site. thank you kindly.

ok. so i want to discuss the whole concept of pillow princess… for those babies that don’t know what the phrase means, let’s just say that it refers to the bedroom activity preferences of some women. [you can put the 2 and 2 together yourdamnself]

so, as for me, i have been deemed as such by most [if not all] of my exes.

*raises hand and waves it all around* guiltyyyyyyyyyyy!

yes honey, that’s what i am and have no shame in my game. simply put. i am the ‘prey’ , so hunting, i do NOT. awe-riiiiiiight?

now this post isn’t just to point out my obvious preferences but more, to illustrate something i realized today. [stay with me now]

so- with my exes- a few particular cases that is- they used to complain about me like ‘bitch u don’t initiate shit, you aren’t aggressive, etc…’

*shrug* wellllllll what u want me to do??? go to bedroom bootcamp and learn the art of ripping clothes off mufukkas??? naw shawty, that’s just not my style. and–errrruuuummmm… if you, somehow, don’t BRING it outta me?
*blink blink*

dontknowhatotellya…..

so i say all that to say… that i am in a relationship, CURRENTLY, where i am willing to do ANYthing to make my boo happy. ANYthing… like whatever is gonna rock socks OFF, im ready and WILLING with bells on. READY.

i have even [remembering the 'complaints' from the past] attempted to try and take ‘charge’ from time to time and i’m [happily] ‘turned down’ every single time. my king kindly smiles at me like: “poor baby, she’s trying to be all aggressive cuz she thinks thats what i want..aww”
then takes over and puts my crown on my head so that things at the palace can be as they were meant to be- me being treated like the ULTIMATE princess [pillow and otherwise]

yaaas HONIES!!! crown, throne, and ALL.. [u hear me???]

so seeeeee????? it wasn’t ME. it was the fact that i just aint wanna do what they [exes] wanted cuz, ultimately, i wasn’t getting the royal [spiritual] treatment that i deserved. bloop bloop!!!!

*sticks out tongue*

photo throw back: me and my bff a few years ago…. awwww!

i trip myself out sometimes..
for real. just like anybody else, i doubt myself and question my decisions from time to time… but i don’t know why i always seem to forget that everything always, and i mean ALL THE TIME, works out just fine. not only fine, but in my favor. all the time… i mean i’m not the only one that can say this… i know of plenty of people with divinely-ordered lives.. should they chose to accept it.

so i guess what i’m saying is, i really annoy myself when i get off path. when i forget that my life is, in fact, divinely ordered. DUH.

see honies?? this is why i resort to meditation and things that are calming to the aura, cuz baybee, i get to be a bit too much. even for myself.

smh. i hope you guys don’t make fun of my occasional ‘journey to the dark-elbie’ posts… it’s a part of me and i embrace it.

after all, light only exists because the constant background of darkness is never gone.

pardon my darkness…

for the most part, being alone or feeling alone brings despair or feelings of loss…
me, there are times that i feel alone and i like it. love it even.

i arrive at a place of too much…
too open, too vulnerable.. too much blood on my sleeves …
where my heart lies..
exposed.
open … to what you call reality.
i call it … pain.
somehow, i must find beauty here
this place i frequently visit.
a place that frequently visits me.

forever lives here.
i know it.
the definition of elusive
so close yet so far.
i crave it.
a deep desire.
that never seems to get satisfied.
why do you exist?
why do i know about you,
if i can’t have you?
just within my grasp..
but can’t hold on.

some kind of a cruel joke?
yeah..reality… pain.
too much to feel all at once
so i have to find beauty here.
somehow it has to make sense.
a sad song
eerily beautiful..
i have to listen.