this was from thursday night’s game 2 of the world series at yankees stadium.

seriously- this is enough to make me cry. for a couple reasons.
1. i LOVE new.york <> and this is THE ultimate love song to my 1st true love. new york city. *sigh*

but

2, and more importantly, the yankees represent a time in my life that was very monumental. they were very good to me while i worked at every home game as a spokesmodel for 2 seasons. the first time my little teeny company got a contract. like a REAL one!!! it was a time when a little girl became a grown ass woman. and it was mostly thanks to a ‘passing ship’ that made it all possible. that person knows who they are, and those that know me personally know who/what i’m talking about.

i never forgot the words of wisdom that i still take with me on my journey today. “it works if you work it” & “perception is reality”

*tear* —- *smile*

the past couple of days have been theeee worst! talk about, i’ve been going thru it. sad thing is, i did it to myself. i [& others] have often called myself a fire cracker, but really, it’s to a fault. all the popping and cracking is getting old. and frankly, i don’t have any more energy to fight these emotional battles.

especially since i will be fighting something invisible and really, non-existent —- FEAR.

let’s take my relationship for example. it is wonderful. i am treated with love, care, and consideration most of the time and i feel like a princess every time we’re together. so what’s my problem? i’ll tell you what.. my PAST. [ain't that a *%$!]

things i have been through in the past have traumatized me to the point that i am too crippled to handle something that’s GOOD. what the HELL????! case.in.point ~~>after a totally neutral situation occurred, i chose to ASSume the worst about boo, instead of giving the benefit of a doubt to a person that has never done me any harm. AND has shown me evidence that i will NOT be harmed in the future.

it’s a shame, really. mostly because of how it FEELS. i literally -i’m NOT exaggerating- felt like i’m going to die. my heart was giving- i’m going to stop beating ANY second. i LITERALLY, thought my life will all be over.

click here to see a bubbletweet video of a ‘moment’ i was having:

all because of what? a disagreement? a heated conversation? because somebody didn’t act EXACTLY as i predicted [and 'planned'] for them to act?? really?

[i ask myself]

is it really WORTH doing all that to yourself? does your body have to be injured [INTERNALLY] because you want to be ‘mad’ that things aren’t going your way? is it fair to do REAL harm as a result of something that doesn’t even EXIST.

of course the answer is a proverbial, HEYLL NAW. and i need to get myself together, is the bottom line. umm, yeah, cuz this mess isn’t healthy.

speaking of healthy, meditation is coming along… *dreamy sigh* my goal is one hour. i know i’m not supposed to ‘try’ to do it. [gotta stop trying so hard] just ’surrendering into the space’ is the goal. i’m pushing. cuz, it’s the only way to calm me down. it’s such bliss when you can get to it. it’s a challenge tho. and takes a LOT of practice. *sigh*

anywho- i know i got deep. but that’s pretty much how my blogs used to be back in the day and i enjoy being organic and writing out my pain.

thank you for reading.

the hip hop awards or whatever it’s called is coming on tonight and i SHANT be watching. no you will not get MY neilsen rating. NO MA’AM.

anybody that knows me, knows that i refuse to watch BET and have personally dubbed it:- black EXPLOITATION television. i capitalized on purpose. the ‘black’ and ‘television’ part is very minimal on their vision board. mainly due to the fact that BET has nothing to do with anything black OR anything that’s good in television programming for ANYbody - much less black people.

i’m not going to give them anymore keystrokes but i will post my favorite clips of boondocks below [as i have done in the past] to illustrate how much i DESPISE this network. if you haven’t seen it already, PLEASE look at these clips of the BANNED episodes about BET. i love aaron mcgruder for exposing them through his art.

viva la freedom of speech!!!

today, something that i think is SUPER COOL was released. dj-hero!!!! with a special Jay-Z & Eminem edition.

love love LOVE. now if i only i would ever get a chance to actually have it and play it. just like the wii fit and the rockband/guitar hero that i still don’t have. ho-hum.

but look- isn’t it purrdy??

here’s mr. carter at the launch in nyc yesterday: he makes it look even more FUN!!!

*cheese* hope you are having a fantabulous tuesday just like i am. [dang it's TUESDAY already] jeepers!! so much to do before my birthday next month!!!! eeeeek!!! lol.

have a great one. be back before you know it.

been so un-inspired lately…. love keeps playing with my emotions [i think] not sure how to take it… not sure if i SHOULD take it. *shrug*

should some things be deal-breakers? of course. but what if everything else is perfect? i been here before

i remember in a former relationship where i let somebody get away with murder just because ‘everything else was perfect’

where to draw the line??
decisions… decisions.

we’re going to see saw VI in a little bit.. a REAL date that actually culminates to an end. we ain’t see that dang movie and the child ain’t leave at the ‘end’ of the date. don’t judge. should be cute. it was magical… *dreamy sigh*