recently there have been many artists that have committed suicide. beautiful minds that have self-destructed due to unbareable pain and sufferring. creativity that has been choked out of it’s last breath– at the hands of the vessel itself. you can’t even blame it on depression caused by the lack of success being that- even enormous success and recognition couldn’t save them.

but why?? why so much sadness? so much hopeless—ness?

i can only speak from my own experiences and those i have come across in this life. at the end of the day, it boils down to the fact that there exists no capacity to love one’s self. even when the outside world adores you and thinks you are beautiful, talented, etc… there will always be a part of you that seeks acceptance and love OUTSIDE of your gifts.

what if you weren’t this fabulous singer, designer, actor, or whatever….? then what?? who would love you in your pajamas and rollers in your hair with a bummy outfit on, no $ in the bank, and un-manicured finger nails????

a lot of times, that answer is a very sad: NOBODY. and this is what [eventually] tends to breed depression in the minds and hearts of these creative beings.

as for me, the lack of acceptance that i get from my family is a MAIN component of my saddness. [no, it's the ONLY component]
i feel so SO SO inappropriate and un-deserving of their love. i refuse to water myself down so that i can be easier understood.[translation:- i refuse to be put in a box and i will do EVERYTHING in my power to continue to stand out and be DIFFERENT]. even if 99.9% of the WORLD is doing something, i promise you i will ALWAYS be in the .1% that does the opposite. i dance to the beat of my own drum and this is NOT looked at favorably. because i was “born with beauty, brains, and talent” i am expected to [pretty much] DONATE all of it. to society … to “culture”.

i’m sorry but, while i LOVE my country and the beauty that is in the culture, i will NOT sacrifice my life and happiness for it. i am not aware of a ‘love’ that will even ask anyone to do something like that.

my family, for the most part, doesn’t approve of me and the artistic route that i took in my life. because i have a $100k college education and an IQ that is higher than most, i’m not ‘allowed’ to explore artistic avenues and take the road less traveled.

OH FUKKING WELL. that’s right. i said it. and i don’t give a flying FUKK who has a problem with it. i am ME
and i will be nothing BUT THAT.

family or not- whoever has a problem with my big mouth, ‘fiesty’ personality, ‘alternative’ lifestyle or whatever else….

guess what????? i am FREE from your ass. so BYE! get out of my life and stay there. i have absolutely NO PROBLEM letting any of you know this in PERSON, VERBATIM. if you don’t know… try calling my phone and see what happens.

i thank the universe and everything that is good for making me a strong and resilient person that can deal with all this bullshit without internalizing it and getting depressed my damn self.

don’t get me wrong, as i said earlier, it causes caused me sadness, but never EVER will it cause me to lose sight of the light that was given to me by a higher being.

a light that will never go out until that same higher being takes it away. and until then, i am alive and i WILL LIVE.

blood is NOT thicker than water… and respect is NOT inherited. i fear no one or no THING. not even death.

until tomorrow honies…. be well.

spent my saturday a a photoshoot by jatawnyvision

i can’t WAIT till i see and post the final pics!!!

i had a discussion with a tweetieboo today and got to thinking about beauty and where it lives in people. my feelings on beauty pretty much all stem from my childhood. i believe that’s true for most people.

i know people that grew up listening to how pretty they are and when they get older, they have no clue about what real life is about. no concept of spirituality. many of them think that the world OWES them a whole bunches of favors because they look so good. [chile please] everything stops on the surface and there is [clearly] not much there that actually counts. *side-eye*

on the other hand. those that grew up hearing - ‘you’re ugly’, etc… usually become adults that harbor a very deep self-hatred as well as a bitter grudge towards society.

either way- a recipe for disaster.

be very careful what you compliment about your children….. it will silently guide them through their whole life.

smh. hi honies. happy thursday to you. i’m supposed to be in miami right now but ——–bLooooooop. not happening.

in other news: last night i hung out with one of my dearest [ride or die] guy friends that i’ve known since i was in 12th grade.

we were never romantically linked in ANY way… just music, business, and life goals in common.

ok so his ‘girlfriend’ [who probably reads my blog- *waves with a fake smile*] has MAJOR self-esteem issues and the little girl had the audacity to call my phone at 12 something on some rah-rah shit.

IMAGINE??????

yes, honies. the heffa CALLED me.

now, she already had my number in ‘her’ phone [cuz the phone is actually HIS that he gave to her] so that wasn’t the issue and honestly i just thought she was calling him back cuz he had already called her to tell her he was gonna be on his way shortly [from MY phone].

anywho- the chile called me talking about “… i hope you’re not doing anything with my boyfriend cuz if i find out……” -that was all i needed to hear chile.

i very politely hung up on her mid-sentence and shook my head as i chuckled to myself.

right after i very sweetly told her that she had the wrong number cuz “i’m too bougie to talk to people like you”

serious bucket-head-status.

i swear. are people still acting like this??? u have to forgive me, i’ve been in my high-siddity bubble since i graduated from college so i had no CLUE.

keep that shit over yonder. bitchboobye

a newer me today was wild and rather revealing. it didn’t go as planned WHAT SO EVER. but friends [real ones] came thru for me and did NOT let me fall. not ONCE. i am deeply humbled and eternally grateful.

shout out to baHbLoco & christol. u guys TRULY know how to make a bish feel loved. i mean SERIOUSLY? wOw.

although i might not get what i want, WHEN i want it, i recognize how truly blessed i am and am happy to say that i loooooooooove the life that i am blessed to live in.

indeed- a spiritual being having a human experience….

goodnight honies.